| Author | Message | ||
| Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member Username: graeme Post Number: 96 Registered: 11-2003 |
Self Preservation We sip vodka Gibsons on the lawn. She talks about life insurance as I watch two butterflies fucking under the upturned kiddie pool. As a boy, I’d find them on the lawn, their wings frayed like old manuscripts. I’d pin them to boards; it felt like a noble stand against death. Drink up, she slurs, the summer goes sour quicker than you think. I find it hard to be concerned. I imagine my tan as film developing and focus on her eyeballs: Pale and bulged as pickled onions. (Message edited by Graeme on August 01, 2005) | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1728 Registered: 12-2003 |
Graeme, Superb writing and imagery. Weird, but in a good way. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit The Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| susan wiener
New member Username: susie Post Number: 15 Registered: 07-2004 |
Very well done, Graeme. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4410 Registered: 07-2001 |
Graeme, a vg slice of life work. Bitter, but real. Not sure of the insects fucking, technically okay, but for a wider audience - locked in sex? Thanks. Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 129 Registered: 07-2005 |
Graeme...I think the imagery is superb as well. You've done well to show how the mind can wander like a ten year old boy. My only quibble is also the fucking butterflies. IMHO, fucking is graceless while butterflies mating is nearly a thing of art. Cary | ||
| Bren
Advanced Member Username: bren Post Number: 987 Registered: 12-2001 |
Hi Graeme, This is great and I couldn't help chuckling as I read along. One thing is for certain I may be paying closer attention to the future of butterflies after reading your poem. Bren PenShells | ||
| Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member Username: graeme Post Number: 100 Registered: 11-2003 |
I feel I must defend the fucking butterflies. The reason I chose the language is because it goes along with the cheap fling feel of the poem I was aiming for, and the sound of "butterflies fucking under the upturned kiddie pool" wouldn't work as well with any other word to describe butterlfy copulation. besides, in the words of my favorite songwriter leonard cohen, "there are no dirty words". | ||
| Denis M. Garrison
Advanced Member Username: denismgarrison Post Number: 450 Registered: 01-2005 |
Graeme, That old saw about "I'll do it for artistic integrity" applies here. The phrase may pare down your audience, but it is dead on right for the moment happening here. It gives it that exact edge that such a sodden moment has in life. Keep it. Kudos. True as a bell. bw, Denis www.dmgar.com Visit Haiku Harvest at www.haikuharvest.net Visit Loch Raven Review at www.lochravenreview.com My books are available at www.lulu.com/denismgarrison | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1417 Registered: 08-2003 |
Maybe: Drink up, she slurs, the summer [goes] sour(s) quicker than you think. So much ado about butterflies.... I actually liked the fucking butterflies because it seems like an oxymoron. It's like angels doing it. Somehow the friction (cough) of the two images causes tension which works. A brilliant bit of bourgeois buggery  E (Message edited by emusing on August 02, 2005) | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4746 Registered: 11-1998 |
Hmmmm, I never really thought about butterflies fucking before, Graeme. I suppose I didn't know exactly how they reproduced. Hmmmmmm . . . Well, anyway, I suppose I'm not negative about the words butterflies fucking for the strength of the words, per se, but more for the strength of the image. After reading butterflies fucking, I must admit it was difficult for me to pay attention to the rest of the piece. That image sort of stayed in my head while it was going Hmmmmm, and stuff. I suppose if you don't mind that a reader will go away remembering nothing but butterflies fucking, then I'd keep the image. Or maybe I'm just the only one who got to that and got stuck there. *LOL* | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4429 Registered: 07-2001 |
All depends on the audience one wishes to reach, this fucking for some - for others butterflies mating would be right smiles Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 2 Registered: 08-2005 |
I really like this. I agree, Graeme, the butterflies must "fuck" for full effect. | ||
| susan wiener
Member Username: susie Post Number: 60 Registered: 07-2004 |
Excellent poem! | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1062 Registered: 11-2004 |
Ah... the butterfies actually make the poem IMHO. Bee do it, birds do it... butterfies deserve a go at it!  Enjoyed this... and the ensuing discussion very much! take care~dale | ||
| Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member Username: graeme Post Number: 101 Registered: 11-2003 |
That does it, "fucking" is staying! Thanks all for commenting on this one. This has definitely been the most entertaining follow up to a posted poem. | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1064 Registered: 11-2004 |
"That does it, "fucking" is staying! " Oh, it is indeed! Been around for a long time! LOL! take care~dale | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2620 Registered: 09-2002 |
Graeme, you caught a certain air of dissolution that I think is difficult to find in poetry and write about. Good work. One of the images that stuck out for me was the description of her eyes. Best, Kathryn |
